Looking for the Sunrise

 ... was in a word, amazing.  A frozen waterfall in Canmore AB. I took this picture back in 2007 In many more words, it was a very memorable holiday filled with special moments and wonderfully thought out gifts, time with family, way too much good food and a waterfall of grace. We began our Christmas on Dec 23, when we 'stole' a few hours to be a family. We went on a twinkle tour, ate cookies and had hot chocolate and played a family game of Tribond. We went to bed way too late and had a great night together. Oh yeah and we let the girls open one gift... we got them each a book called THE STORY which is basically the Bible without all the extra stuff. Still God's word just weaved together in more of a story form. I have seen those books put to good use already :) Christmas Eve was a long day, Bobby and I both worked the morning and then spent the afternoon preparing for supper with The Lawrence Clan. The food was great and spending time with family is al...

Now that the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, and what an amazing Christmas it was, I will take a few minutes to update you all on the happenings of our family. Christmas Eve 2012   2012 has been a very busy year, guess I'll just take us one by one and catch you up!  Anna and Logan Anna is 16 now. We had quite the amazing party for her in May where she was received many gifts from fabulous friends and acquired her very first boyfriend (who is still around I should add) Anna is busy in her grade 10 year and involved in many things. She is part of WIRED, (the school choir), a peer leader for RE:Charge,( the student prayer group), and is also involved with the yearbook, sewing and drama clubs. She has maintained an 80% average in her classes placing her on the Honour Roll. She is also busy outside of school with babysitting, cleaning a local office building and helping out at Treasure Seekers (the ministry for those ages two and three) at church....

Really I should be cleaning my house and getting ready for a day of marathon cookie baking tomorrow but my house is quiet and I feel like writing so here I am :) This Christmas season is so far a pretty great one. I was able to have a day for myself yesterday which is a huge blessing. I don't remember a day that quite as relaxing and fun as yesterday. I can't believe how at ease I was wondering around the mall shooping by myself. Once upon at time that wouldn't have happened. It was a great day to realize how far I've come in my battle with anxiety. Today I am tired, it was a very late night but such fun to search for holiday deals and find gifts for my family and friends. I still have a ways to go but I don't think I will break the bank this Christmas :) There a many highlights already this December with more to come. While our family schedule doesn't really allow for us to have family devotions every night in Dec. the times we have had have been very mean...

For the last few months I have been stagnant... not moving forward, not moving backwards just standing still... quite paralyzed actually. Scared to look at the things in life that are, well scaring me! It's time to move forward and accept that there are just some things (and people) that I cannot change and I cannot let those things keep me from moving forward. With a month to go until Christmas, I will journey towards a place of wholeness and acceptance again. By Christmas I want to be my joyful, happy self again. Blogging will be a part of that, it's time to connect again. To look at those pieces of myself that I keep locked away. I will be spending time with my Father, getting to know what it is He wants to show me. I will be cleaning my house and resting my body. Christmas preparations and baking soothe my soul and the joy of the story of my Savior's birth rejuvenate me. As the season of Advent approaches, I want to prepare for my Coming King. I want to be ready when...

Have you ever been in a situation where being the peacemaker seemed impossible? I mean really I am a peacemaker by nature. I dislike conflict. I teach my girls to share quickly and resolve their issues with each other as quickly as possible. I have always tried to keep the family peace, even as a youngster. Not sure I do it in the healthiest of ways, mind you but I always tried to avoid conflict and resolve it when necessary. But when it comes to the situation I am in now I simply can't see a way to bring about peace, let alone resolution. Everything is out of focus and it's driving me crazy.... If it were my own emotions, my own conflict, that would be one thing but it's not. It affects those closest to me but really it's not about me but it causes me to hurt every time the ones I love hurt. I just want peace. I don't know what I am supposed to do. As much as I would love to come out swinging and fight, I'm not sure it's really the right thing to do. If ...

Which means I will not be answering the next 30 Questions question! It's about significant childhood memories so that will be for another day! So what's up in my life? Guess I will tell you all about August. Torch Trail Bible Camp went well. It was more challenging than I had expected and I was very very tired by the time the week was over. As we headed to our family vacation in Prince Albert National Park I was hit with a 'camp crash' that went way beyond anything I had experienced in a very long time. Suffice to say it was 24 hours of misery for all of my family but that is for another blog as well. The girls at Torch Highlights from Torch include a young gal who declared at the end of the week "I know that I am worth God's love." Makes it all worthwhile right there folks. I don't need any other compliment or persuasion to do it all over again next summer. Our family vacation in Waskesui was AMAZING. We went on hikes, playe...

For those of you who have been praying for me I offer my thanks. Your prayers have been carrying me through this summer. For those of you who are just interested in what I’ve been up to, thanks for thinking of me! So I am done speaking at two camps and have one more to go this summer. It is a humbling privilege to be trusted to teach TRUTH to so many young ones. I am still in awe that God has called me to this but I am grateful. I’m pretty sure I learn as much if not more than the ones I share with! Anyway my summer started at Luseland Bible Camp. What a joy to serve with my LBC family. As Anna and I drove to camp I looked at her and said, “It kind of feels like we are headed home doesn’t it?” She was quick to agree! God has worked in our lives so mightily in that place that it does indeed feel like home. Anyway I left Anna there for staff training and then enjoyed a couple of delightful days with my big sister in Kindersley. It is always a blessing to work ...

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? I like where I live now and will like it even more once our new windows and siding are installed! But If I can dream and say live anywhere? Hmmm good question. My Momwould say the mountains without hesitation, my Dad would go back to Ohio, without hesitation. And they would say those things because that is where their childhoods and fondest memories are. Me, I'm a Canadian Prarie gal. I cannot imagine living anywhere but this grand flat plain with wide open skies and sightline that lasts for miles. BUT for the sake of dreaming I think I would like to live someplace with lots of lakes and rivers, maybe upper Michigan, in a cabin on the shore of a great fishing lake with lots of friendly wildlife.... yeah I could go for that :)

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? As easy as the last question was, this may be the hardest. But I believe the most honest answer is that the struggle to forgive myself has been the hardest. For all the mistakes I've made, for all the times I chose to do things the difficult way, for all the times I caused pain to myself and those around me. Those are the things that are hard to forgive. Forgiving others, while it can be a long process always comes about for me. The road of grace is so much smoother than the road of bitterness but forgiving myself? That can be difficult.

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? This one is easy... I wish I could paint. Big beautiful sweeping landscapes. I wish I could pick up a brush and some oil paints and create greatness. Photographs only go so far, with paint you create. Photography is limited by what is in front of you. Painting is limited only by your imagination. Don't get me wrong I LOVE photography but painting? I so wish I could paint... but I cannot :(

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments? I'd like to think I haven't accomplished them yet! As of today though... hmmm 1) My 18 year marriage that is still going strong. We've beaten the odds so far. Married young and haven't divorced or cheated, we are still as in love as ever so YAY us!! 2) My three kids. I survived three c-sections, three major baby heath crisis and now have three well adjusted, living for the Lord teenagers. That is an accomplishment. 3) Overcoming my fears and becoming a camp speaker. it is a joy to share Jesus with the campers and staff. It brings me a ton of joy and pride. It's all God though, not sure I can really claim it as MY accomplishment... 4) This one is a bit silly, but a few years ago I climbed a mountain and stood over a frozen waterfall in late Jan. I had never felt as free as I did in that moment, it was great. 5) Anna's Sweet 16 party. When you get a spontaneous round of applause from a bu...

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? Without a doubt I would be a cat. Sleeping in the sunshine, being loved and cuddled, hiding in small spaces. Not so keen on the whole litter box thing but eh, no life is perfect. My life does not feel complete without a cat in it so yeah I'd be a cat :)

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 14. Describe 5 strengths you have. Weaknesses: 1) I tend to zone out and ignore life around me... must get that from my dad! lol 2) I worry about stupid stuff like if someone says they want to talk to me I worry about what I did to upset them... 3) I procrastinate 4) Honestly, I'm kinda lazy 5) I'm a bit of a control freak Strengths 1) My faith is strong 2) I'm a good listener and I give good advice (I hope!) 3) I don't give up on people 4) I can be very organized and effiecient when weakness 1,2 3,4 and 5 don't get in the way! 5) I help lots wherever I am needed

12. Describe a typical day in your current life. Well this only lasts 5 more days and then life changes again but curretnly this is what we got... 7:00 am Wake up 7:15 crawl out of bed 7:20 cup of tea and facebook 7:30 wake up whatever kids aren't awake yet 7:35 Welcome baby #1 8:00 Start making sure everyone is ready for school 8:26 School run 8:47 back home and wait for baby #2 9:00-3:25 babysitting stuff 3:25 waiting for one of the girls to get home so I can go pick Anna up from school 4:00 baby #1 goes home 5:00 Baby #2 goes home 6:00 supper 7:00 whatever the evening brings 9:00 start ending the day 10:00 bed And yep that's about it! Of course no two days are exactly the same but that's pretty typical. Not a lot of excitement this time of year. I love June for that reason!

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. I don't know if I have 10... I try really hard just to let life be what it is but if I think real hard I'm sure I come up with a few... 1.) Drivers who don't stop at crosswalks 2.) Drivers who turn without signalling 3.) People who don't say good bye before they hand up the phone 4.) Unanswered texts 5.) Laundry! more specifically... when clothes are taken off all at once so underwear is in pants, socks are in pants. I HATE seperating and unbunching clothes when I am sorting laundry 6.) Swearing in public... really swearing in general. We have so many beautiful words in the English language... can't you be creative? 7.) Call waiting... I'd rather get a busy signal 8.) Garbage in my kids bedrooms 9.) Dirty dishes ON TOP of the dishwasher and for my last one.... 10.) Impatient people Ok, not so hard but really, I try not to let the little stuff bug me, it just steals my joy. And just so this isn't all nega...

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment. I'll keep it myself, if it's all the same to you. That's the thing about being embarrassed, you just don't want to relive it... ever.

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. Wow I have been waiting for this one! It's going to be hard to narrow it down to 10, so if your name is not on the list, please don't be offended. Every person in my life has influenced me in some way so choosing 10 will be difficult. I will not over think it so here it goes! 1.) Rick Niessen was the first person (he was my youth pastor) to really see that I was not really ok. He asked a lot of tough questions and started the road that led to the diagnosois of the anxiety depression disorder. I am forever thankful that he didn't let me off the hook when it was time for our councelling sessions. I often wonder how different my teen age years would have been if he had not moved. 2.) Jeremy Peters had a profound impact on my life, his wife Lisa as well. I miss their presence in my life. Yeah he is a pastor as well :) Jer also challenged me in some big ways. Called me on my 'ministry butterfly' ways and ...

8. What are 5 passions you have? This is a tough one for me, simply beause with my anxiety/depression disorder I try really hard to keep life on an even keel so while I may feel really passionate about something, it's not always easy for me to express it or really live it but her's my list of things I love and aim to be more passionate about... 1.) My relationship with God. I LOVE to speak at Bible Camps and share with the kids and staff how much God's love can transform them. I love to share Jesus with them. It's a safe place to do that. In my day to day life I'm not so good at it! My aim is to be much more passionate about sharring Jesus in those not so safe enviromnents. 2.) I really am passionate about being a great mom to my kids. it takes a lot of energy and time but I am seeing the results already. I so love chatting with my girls and guiding them through life's tough stuff. 3.) I want to be a passionate gardener! I want a beautiful yard with a ros...

7.What is your dream job, and why?    Hmmm, this is a tough one. I love being a stay at home mom, just taking care of my kids. I would like to be as good a home maker as I used to be, meal planning, spotless house and all that. But with the babysitting, that doesn't happen. Just for the sake of thinking outside the box, I would love love love to be able to take pictures of people all day long. Portraits, snapshots, smiles and tears. I would love to be a really good photographer... with an assistant who knew everything about cameras and flash and could make sure I had all the rigt light exposure and jazz like that... In a volunteer job I would love to be part of the CSSM (bible camps) provincial council. I would so enjoy being able to help bible camps reach their full potential. I would organize speaker retreats where we could share ideas and challenge each other. (that whole iron sharpens iron deal) and create a camp staff mentoring program where each and every staff m...

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? I'm not sure I want to think about this question... I realize the hard stuff is what makes us who we are and God's faithfulness through those times develops our relationship with him but let's be honest... the hard times suck. who wants to relive them, let alone figure out which was the hardest?? Moving every couple of years when I was a kid was hard, staying in one place after all those moves was hard too. Being in a bad relationship was hard, guess what, getting out of it and over it was hard too. Having a seven week preemie was hard, as was the failure to thrive baby two years later, and the baby with RSV two years after that. Being the mother of three teen age girls is HARD too. Speaking at Bible Camp the first time was hard, it still is but I love it! Figuring out who I really am has been hard. Fighting anxiety and depression disorder is hard. SO I guess the hardest thing I have ever experienced is just LIFE...

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? 1.) Watching Anna and her boyfriend. they make me smile, I'm crazy I know but they are just so darn sweet I can't help but smile. 2.) Helping Emily and Brenna prepare for their baptisms in two weeks. It is so wonderful to listen to them express their desire to follow Jesus. Helping them prepare their testimonies is pretty cool. 3.) Spending time with Bobby always makes me happy, Doesn't really matter what we are doing. I just really love being with him. 4.)Anticipating a visit with my mom and dad this afternoon to share another peice of this most magnificent butterscotch pie! 5.) The sunshine. I love being outside in the sun, sitting on the swing, watching the babies play in the yard, listening to the birds sing, gazing at my two beautiful rose bushes. Sunshine is a wonderful thing!

 List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.   1.) Food is good for you... don't use it as a form of control and punishment. I know life feels out of control but Pepsi and fries does not constitute a healthy diet. Eat fruits and veggies and enjoy life. Don't hurt your health because you think you aren't worth anything. 2.) Listen to your friends and parents when they tell you to be careful about that boy... They were right! 3.) Don't let go of your dreams, your friends, yourself for said boy. He was so not worth the pain he caused. 4.) Enjoy all school has to offer. So what if you don't get the lead in the musical... enjoy your role in chorus :) 5.) Get back in the deep water while you can, in other words face your fear. Life will be more fun. 6.) Don't hide from life. Books are great but live the life in front of you. 7.) Don't worry so much about what people think of you. You are beautiful and smart and all around amazing. 8...

Describe your relationship with your parents. Well today is my dad's 71st birthday so this seems like a good day to blog about him! Ha ha If I had to describe my relationship with dad in one word, it would be the word solid. I love my Papa. He has always been "my dad." Those two words say so much. He has been my mentor, my teacher, my bank ;) He has guided me through so many decisions in life. I enjoy the moments we get to share and appreciate his insight into life. He has taught me much about God's love and I love our theology discussions. Of course, there were times when I was younger that he just frustrated me to no end, that I felt he just didn't understand me and had no clue what I was going through but with age I see that my papa always had my best intrests at heart and he loves me always. Today I am ever so grateful for the difficult relationship dad and I have. We don't always see eye to eye but I know his hug is never far away and he will make thin...

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. Hmmm... nothing like making you dig deep... 1) Fear of deep water- I was 14 and for a change my brothers asked me to come along and hang out with them and their buddies. We headed out to the dam to swim. Upto this day I was pretty fearless in the water I loved to swim and all that but on this day I was with the crowd and they were not neccessarily paying attention to me as much as they were their 'other' entertainment. I ended up slipping into a unexpected deep spot and could get my footing and nobody noticed! I finally got back on solid groud but not before the deep rooted fear of not being able to touch bottom was born. 24 years later I have not conquered the panic of not being able to find my footing in water. 2)  Fear of not being accepted- we moved a lot when I was a kid. It created a cycle of change and adapting that when we did stay in one place ( for the last 25 years!) I no longer really knew ...

1. List 20 random facts about yourself. 1.) I am a month and a day away from being 38 2.) I love a good thunderstorm EVEN if it does give me a wretched headache 3.) I am resigning from a board that I have been on for somewhere around 10 years 4.) My passion is sharing Christ with kids at bible camp 5.) My husband and I are will soon celebrate 18 years of marriage and we are more in love than ever. 6.) My girls are 12, 14 and 16 now and I can't even express how much I love them. 7.) My pride in my family is beyond words. Each one in it is so amazing 8.) I have 2 dogs, 1 cat and more fish than I can count but have 4 tanks of various sizes. I really want a bird as well but I doubt that will happen. 9.) I love to sleep 10.) I love to be awake and present in life 11.) I have a love/hate relationship with church. As long as I rememeber that God and his Church are not the same I do ok. People fail, that's ok, God loves us enough to cover those mistakes with grace 12.) I o...

30 Questions Saw this on someone else's blog. I am going to give it a shot. I might even get brave enough to link it on facebook! (shock and awe sound) but maybe not ;) I wonder how long it will take me?? THE LIST: 1. List 20 random facts about yourself. 2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. 3. Describe your relationship with your parents. 4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? 6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? 7. What is your dream job, and why? 8. What are 5 passions you have? 9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. 10. Describe your most embarrasing moment. 11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. 12. Describe a typical day in your current life. 13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 14. Describe 5 strengths you have. 15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? 16. What are your 5 great...

So I haven't been here in awhile... life just got really busy and then I got sick and then I was just too lazy to try and make sense of the last few weeks. Still not sure I am ready to start breaking down all that happened in May but figured this was a start... Boyfriends-- yep my oldest is dating. A wonderful boy but still not sure I am ready for this stage of her life. My little girl grew up before our very eyes at her sweet 16 birthday party. She has a good head on her shoulders and her boyfriend is a good kid. For a first relationship I think it will be a good one. Here is a picture of her party guests... I will let you guess which one is the new boyfriend... (not the one holding the big paper umbrella but he would have been a good choice as well!) Battles-- all in my own head against my own demons... they are taking a lot of energy and I am tired of fighting. Going to spend some time with my pastor this week gaining perpsective and prayerfully deal with it. Breathing-- ...

I am going to use this blog for the next little while to remember all that happened 16 years ago. Facebook doesn't seem like the place to force people to relive it with me so I'll use my blog (that I'm not sure very many people read!lol) May 1st, 1996, I was having my normal pre natal check up. I was just over 32 weeks pregnant. That appointment started a journey that I will never forget and forever be grateful for. I rememeber very clearly telling my Dr. that I was concerned, I didn't feel like my baby was moving as much as he/she should be. Something didn't feel right but then nothing about this pregnancy had ever felt quite 'right'. The tests showed that I had trace amounts of protien in my urine but Dr. G wasn't too concerned. He sent me home with instructions on how to moniter baby's movements and to rest. Come back if I was worried... Seems like such a gentle beginning to all that would transpire over the next week... As you probably kn...

Nothing like a rainy day to make you want to curl up with a good book! however it will be a house cleaning day today! Once we get the sleep-over gang back to their own homes :) We have officially started birthday season around here! Brenna's 12th birthday party/sleep-over was last night. Anna's sweet 16 party is in ONE week! and we will finish up with Emily's 14th birthday on the 15th. I also have a whole slew of meetings in the next week or so which means even though synchro season is finished I am still way too busy! Speaking of synchronized swimming... Provincials went really well! Anna scored a personal best in her solo and Brenna's team did well in the face of adversity (one of their team mates got sick and had to be cut at the last minute) We got Brenna out of last place in the figure competition. It was a good family weekend! We also went to the Truth Matters tour. The girls quite enjoyed their first taste of Sean McDowell. He is this generations most eloquent...