Ready for Church... sort of

I love going to church. I do, I love connecting with God in community. The sermons are engaging and challenge me to grow. The prayer times are wonderful. I'm just really lonely there sometimes. I don't fit in in anywhere it seems and I'm not real sure anyone is super excited to see me there. Even as a teen ager I was the one who went and found the 'lonlies'. Now I am one and I am just not in a place where I can be vulnerable enough to reach out. Maybe I come off as too confident or too needy. I think I must scare people for some reason or another.
I'm so ready to be in a group. To have friends that I can call and chat with for no reason. Friends that care if I show up... I don't think that's asking too much is it?
This leads to one of the roots of my depression/anxiety. The need to be recognised and the fear of rejection. They argue with each other ALL the time! I want to be noticed but I'm scared that if someone notices me they might reject me so maybe it's better if no one notices me at all and then I get mad because I'm not worth anybody's attention.... It's a vicious circle and one I would love to break!
This picture of Brenna kind of applies to this post. I remember on the trip we took to Ohio with my parents a couple of summers ago, she was alway trying to see just how close she could get to a group of birds before they scattered, reminds me a little bit of me trying to get to friends...And on that note... it's time to go to church, put on a smile, shake some hands and be honest when somebody says "how are you today?" if anybody says that at all...

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