Looking for the Sunrise

Laundry... the metemphor of my life... seriously. If you want to know how I am doing emotionally? Ask me how I'm doing with the laundry. Maybe it's because I've been ingrained with "As long as your kids are fed and their clothes are clean, you are doing alright. Everything else can wait" I can't quite figure out which stae of mind goes with which state of laundry though! Almost 16 years ago when I thought maybe there was something wrong with my 33 week along pregnancy, I could not go to the doctor until my laundry was finished. Granted I only got it all clean, nothing was folded or put away but wow was it ever important to get that laundry clean before I went to the hospital... I feel so much better when my laundry room is clean and tidy, all the laundry folded and put away but alas that is rarely the case. More often than not, the laundry is kind of like my brain... this pile is clean but not organized, this pile is sorted but not clean, this stack is rea

As I have no desire to write tonight I shall simply list off a few thankfuls..... sounds like a good idea to end the day on a positive... 1) God's mercy is never failing 2) Brenna's prayers that encourage me 3) A truly wonderful husband who just happens to be my best friend and helps me so much on this journey

For a Monday it was pretty good. Bobby had the day off so we got to spend the day together which is always a bonus. Got a bit of laundry done. Had a pretty lazy day all in all. No emotional upheaval, just this persistant sore throat... might be time to try and see a doctor... Going to go spend a few minutes with Anna before bed. She is looking like she needs a mother's ear and hug... Love my girl and pray she learns to cope better with emotional upheaval so much better and sooner than I have.

I love going to church. I do, I love connecting with God in community. The sermons are engaging and challenge me to grow. The prayer times are wonderful. I'm just really lonely there sometimes. I don't fit in in anywhere it seems and I'm not real sure anyone is super excited to see me there. Even as a teen ager I was the one who went and found the 'lonlies'. Now I am one and I am just not in a place where I can be vulnerable enough to reach out. Maybe I come off as too confident or too needy. I think I must scare people for some reason or another. I'm so ready to be in a group. To have friends that I can call and chat with for no reason. Friends that care if I show up... I don't think that's asking too much is it? This leads to one of the roots of my depression/anxiety. The need to be recognised and the fear of rejection. They argue with each other ALL the time! I want to be noticed but I'm scared that if someone notices me they might reject me so

Depression sucks the life out of me. Anxiety tries to smother me and through it all God calls my name. -- written by me a few days ago. The truth of it strikes me even now that I am in a good place. Even when I feel like I am in the darkest of places I can recognise the voice of God. In the moments when I am scared to take my next breath I hear His words deep in my soul. He calls my name, He reassures me that I am not alone. I am grateful the truth of who I am is stronger than the lies of anxiety and depression.

This is my story of depression. I make no apologies for it, no excuses. Depression is not my chosen path but it is the road I journey on. Sometimes I can go weeks or even months walking through sunshine and flowers, happy and content and then somehow I end up down in the valley so deep I can’t even see the sunrise. I know that I will eventually come out of the valley but I never know just how long I will be stuck in the dark. It gets better once I start to talk. The pain lessens once I break but the breaking is scary. Admitting that I have once again succumbed to my enemy is a bitter pill. So I suffer longer than I have to because I am too proud to admit my weakness. I do some stupid stuff when I am depressed. I believe a lot of lies. I need to explore some of those things. Feel free to come along for the journey… I am much too positive of a person for this blog to be all doom and gloom but I do promise to be honest. I will not hide my pain, so some entries will be raw and repres