Looking for the Sunrise

I have a newsletter written and I'll probably post it with pictures in the next week or so but today I just want to take a moment to say thank you to 2015and look ahead to 2016. I anticipated 2015 being a year of celebration and it truly was. We celebrated many joyous things, my parents 50th anniversary, a Hoehnle family reunion, Anna's grad and many other things. I got to know myself better and became a truer version of myself. 2015 was a really kind year and I am grateful. As with every year, there were defining moments. These moments often come at a great cost and with a great deal of pain. 2015 held a moment or two like that, my heart has been broken at the deepest part but in that brokenness I found freedom from the chains of the past. So even as my eyes fill with unshed tears, my heart sings with a deep abiding joy that only comes with true acceptance and forgiveness of others and of myself. As I look forward to tomorrow and the 365 days after that, the only word th

To my beautiful friend who is traveling across the world for a big adventure who will spend Christmas Day in the air, Merry Christmas. To my favourite aunt who will be getting through her first Christmas without her son and to all of that special family, I still wish you a Merry Christmas for God is holding you in His hand. To my far away friend who will once again navigate this holiday without her husband by her side, I wish you and E joy and peace. To you my sweet friend who knows this Christmas is likely the last she will spend in this earthly shell  I pray you experience the miracle of Christmas in a whole new way. To my dear friends who are spending this Christmas in the hospital with their sweet newborn instead of at home, my prayer is that you will still experience all the joy new parents should! To the many of my dear ones who will be figuring out how Christmas looks now that seperations and divorce have changed your lives I pray you find the peace you need. To those who

It's a bit of a melancholy morning. I watched a sad episode of a favourite tv show and now I can't stop thinking about my friends who will be having their first Christmas without someone dear to them and those who will be navigating this holiday for the second, third, fourth, tenth time and still miss that person. I am praying for friends who are sick and know they have to make the most of every day they have left to walk with those they love. This Christmas carries a lot of sadness and yet I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned from these same people about resilience and hope and strength and peace in all circumstances. 9 days to enjoy the preparation for a day or two of Christmas... Enjoy the moments that come along the way. Make the most of everyday and love those around you like you have a to squeE a lifetime of love into a day.

Identity is such a huge issue in our lives, isn't it? It was the topic of our small group this past week. How do we define ourselves? What voices do we listen to. It wasn't the easiest session to get through but it was a great time together as we wrestled with some of these things that define who we are. There was one quote that I really liked this week. I did some research (ok a 30 second google search but that counts, right?) about the author and was not surprised to find out she was an expert on the writings of C.S Lewis :) Anyway, here's the quote; He is the one who can tell us the reason for our existence, our place in the scheme of things, our real identity. It is an identity we can't discover for ourselves, that others can't discover in us- the mystery of who we really are. How we have chased around the world for answers to that riddle, looked in the eyes of others for some hint, some clue, hunted in the multiple worlds of pleasure a

Friday can be a lovely day full of anticipation of all the things planned for the weekend. Today is like that for me. In a sense I am working all weekend as we will be watching our favourite Little Miss but since we like having her around, it feels more like grand parenting or maybe 'Aunt and Uncling.' Anyway Mama and I will go check out the first Christmas Farmer's market which is always a treat. I'm not sure what else the weekend will hold but it's the last one that will end in me going back to work! Hard to believe I only have one week of full time childcare left. I will miss having babies around all the time but I won't miss the daily caring for them. December is booking up quickly with coffee dates and lunches, day trips and a long to do list of long neglected projects and Christmas baking. Everything on that list promotes healing for my soul and I am so looking forward to it. The few weeks have been difficult to say the least. It's hard to explai

So today was a big day. I got my hair cut... It could have been a bigger deal but I opted to keep the same style that I've had forever and just really shorten it up. Next time I'll do something crazy and express my mid life crisis in a hair cut ;) I had a job interview that I am fairly certain I bombed but I'm strangely ok with that. While it is a really great and interesting job, it may be more that I can handle right now. I might actually need a 'Walmart kind of job' to start this chapter of my life until I figure out what it really is that I want to do in life. Silly mid life crisis stuff, eh? I baked cookies for Brenna to take to school tomorrow and find myself wishing, not for the first time, that I could make a living baking and spreading love with cookies. It is my love language after all... ;) Going back a day or two I got the coolest gift from one of my best friends the other day. She just spent 7 weeks away in Spain walking the Camino. She brought

Random thoughts for this Monday morning I learned yesterday that another friend from the past has passed away. I used to call her QuinnChick when she lived with us when I was a teenager. She was a whole lot of trouble but we loved her. The circumstances of her death at age 45 are very sad and I will be praying for her family as they sort everything out. The Journey small group was good last night. I appreciate the discussion and openness we are developing. My favorite quote from this past week's homework is a simple sentence that totally captures my imagination. It comes from Eugene Peterson speaking of the Bible. "Story is the gospel way. Story isn't imposed on our lives; it invites us into its life. As we enter and imaginatively participate, we find ourselves in a more spacious, freer and more coherent world." The quote of the week that challenges me most is just 4 words. Credit to Chuck Swindoll... "Meditation is disciplined thought." I think we

I should really just give up on Challenges ;) This weekend has been a busy one as we are trying to get rid of some of the STUFF messing up our house and figure out ways to make our unique and honestly quite frustrating space work for us. You would think with 2000 square feet, we would have plenty of room but its 2000 square feet of awkward. We have discovered the key to making it all work is to take big spaces and make them small but that can be tricky at times and so we keep moving this here and that there trying to come up with something... anything that will work. And now it's time to clean out the corners, get rd of the clutter, let go of the junk... it's all so hard to do! Oh yeah and I want to chop my hair off... thoughts?? It's time for a change!

Here we go again only never on our own Last night I went to the planning meeting for Emily's high school graduation. Feels like I just did this... a year ago. Sigh. My girls have grown up so fast. I have to stop blinking... really. Anyway, grad meeting was the same but different. Mrs Holzer has retired and Mrs Fergason has stepped in to organize Grad. Change is, in this case, just change. Same information... different feel. It looks like there will be lots of parental and student involvement. Like her sister before her, Emily chose to be on the invitation/program committee. I will likely help with the Chem-free celebration as I decided to join the high school parents association. (sigh) Another huge difference last night was this... For Anna graduation was a culmination of the effort to get through school. She had to fight to find her place and she had to overcome a lot to get where she got to.. Emily though? It's different. This picture captures a lifetime of friendship

This was the first weekend end in recent memory that I can recall not really having any plans at all, I was pretty much free to do as I pleased and so... On Friday I went and watched Brenna perform at the local United Way telethon and enjoyed it immensely Sat I didn't sleep in but I stayed in bed forever :). I went and got my nails done, enjoyed a burger for lunch and had coffee with a good friend. I kicked around all afternoon, getting groceries and just being out and about. I spent my evening running to Weyburn and back with Bobby to return the bus he drove that day. Sunday was a typical Sunday with Sunday School and church and then a blissful afternoon resting on the couch, snuggling with Bobby while we caught up on a few tv shows. Sunday night was pretty great as I began my own Journey of discovery. I have joined an intensive small group study called The Journey which is a discipleship group that will meet for the next 6-8 months. It requires a high level of commit

I have to laugh at myself this morning as I realize that the blog I got my inspiration from to try 30 blogs in 30 days is far ahead of me in post counts and started long after! Nobody has ever said I'm consistent although I try to be and I am getting better except here in blog world :) It's been a long week so far, everyone seems just a bit off kilter which I suppose is normal when life is in a busy stressful season. We all long for a bit of rest and peace and just a few days to get caught up on stuff... not sure when that time will come as empty days on the calender seem to fill up quickly! We have started the slow process of reorganizing a few areas in our home... there will be lots of junk tossed in the next few weeks, things that came with the house but we never used, day care stuff that has long outlived its usefulness, appliances that no longer work. Trying to create cleaner spaces and a bit more simplicity. Time to tame the beast that is our clutter. Wish us well :)

A thankful heart does not always come easy. Thankfulness in times of pain and struggle can be difficult. When I began to make thankfulness a practice in my life. I don't think I knew how hard it would be sometimes to find the joy in the everyday. I don't always succeed but what I can say is this. A truly thankful heart holds little room for bitterness, anxiety and other negative emotion. At least this is my experience, I  sure there are thankful folks out there who struggle all the time with fighting off the darkness in their life. What I am trying to say is that thankfulness is a journey though those things and can be a great antidote. This year I decided my word was celebration, this was to be a year of celebration and largely it has been. Today as Canada celebrates my favourite Sunday, Thanksgiving, I find my heart battling the idea of celebrating. I so want to focus on all that isn't instead of all that is. I sad and workings way through loss and transition and it'

As I lay here at 5am in my sister's living room waiting for the alarm to go off at 6, I am well I'm not sure... I don't really know how to feel about this day ahead, my emotions are still 'asleep' How do I say good bye to a friend I haven't spent enough time with to really know but still feel like one of the best parts of me has been ripped out of my beating heart? The confusion is overwhelming at this early morning hour... Today will be a hard day, a day where quite likely I won't know where I fit or belong. A misfit from the past in a group of people hurting in the present. It will be odd and painful. What will I say to Julie? What will I say to anyone? I don't know, what words can possibly hold healing in this moment? No words exist for this day yet. I know they will come but for now I am going to just be in this moment alone and grieve my friend.

Random thoughts This blog post challenge is all of a sudden radically different than I had envisioned... the 30 days thing is out and I stopped posting scripture awhile ago. None was intentional but I think I'll keep plodding on and see how long it takes to get to 30 posts :) IPhone updates are a certified pain I have decided, Anna updated her phone and is now synced to her dad's so getting all his text messages and he is getting all of hers... hope they can figure it out and soon. (figured and fixed before I could even finish this post!) I'm not a fan of grief... not sure anyone is. I particularly hate how incapable it makes me of dealing with frustration and how quickly I get upset with the smallest of things... blah And of course my family bears the brunt of it. I also hadn't realized deep grief could have such a physical component. Never has my back been so sore and tight. A visit with my chiropractor and an evening with a heating pad and muscle relaxers helped

There are moments in your life that you will never forget, moments that stay with you, haunt you even. Yesterday morning at 8:14 I answered my phone and heard a tired sad voice that I did not recognize. “Susanna? This is Julie Younglove.” Not a voice I expected to hear and I knew the news would not be good but to hear that my childhood best friend had passed away was nowhere in the ballpark of my thoughts. Me and Troy just chillin' :) Troy was just 5 weeks older than me, our mothers’ friendship so close that the first stop after leaving the hospital when I was born was to show me off to Aunt Gerry and introduce me to Troy Boy. Our frienship was just meant to be and of course the family joke was that we would grow up and get married. ;) Pretty sure we all agree it's a good thing we didn't :) I don’t remember life without the Youngloves. In a time when we moved constantly, the Younglove house was a constant. We went there for visits at least a couple of times

What's that saying about the one constant in our lives being change? I don't know the quote but I know there is truth in it. To be moving forward requires change and so while I don't exactly like change, I have come to embrace it as a sign of growth and moving ahead. My days as a childcare provider are numbered. Last spring I made the difficult decision that it was time to start phasing out of this long lasting phase of my life. I started childcare way back in 1992, shortly after I graduated from highschool. At that point I couldn't handle the stress of a 'real' job and so I became a nanny. I worked with little TJ and Zoe at first. TJ's mom and I ended up not being a good fit and so I took care of Zoe at her house and somehow talked Marlene into letting me bring somebody else's kid to her house too so I could make a bit more money. Enter my Master Zach, my 25 pound 6 month old sumo baby. I loved those two kids. It was a great year of my life. Once Bobb

Have you ever felt like there is just so much you want to say and have no earthly idea how to make any of it make sense to other people... yeah. Welcome to my brain this week! My heart and mind are so full of stuff, good stuff, but I can't seem to figure out how to type any of it out. Which makes my personal blog challenge a wee bit difficult! And so today I ma just going to tell you to listen to the music around you, youtube some MercyMe or Big Daddy Weave or Matt Maher or Todd Agnew. Any of their music is worth a listen in my opinion :) Have a great Thursday!

I enjoy blogging, I'm just not very good at it. And really its not that I'm not good at it, I'm just not very disciplined. The last few days have been difficult, I've been bogged down with too many cares and concerns and a build up to a super moon super migraine... today is better... sort of. I'm at a point where I sort of feel like I have schizophrenic faith... what's that verse? 'Oh Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief?' There are areas of my life that I have totally surrendered to God and others where I feel like it's just too much, its a problem I've created so why should I expect God to bail me out? The things I know about God and the ways that I know Him and the problems of my day don't always end up in balance. That push and pull and arguing in myself causes a lot of distress. But something I realized this weekend was it's not just my journey... I have a partner, the one with whom I am one flesh. We are in this together a

So this week has been well different, took me a few days to wrap my head around all that was going on and I just couldn't turn on my laptop to keep up with my own personal blog challenge. I needed a time out and so I took one. I did not however take a break from my daily bible reading. I may not have given it the attention it deserved but I kept up the habit and God has been using the words of James and 2 Peter to remind me of the need for progression, to keep moving forward, to embrace the change and difficulties of life, to grow through them. There were some key differences in this week's 'slump' than in times past. At no point did I feel hopeless or rejected. I never felt like I couldn't express what I was feeling and most importantly I never felt empty. I knew that I needed to give myself space to feel sad, to be wary of the changes occurring and that the tears that fell at random times were necessary. It was remarkably different from the way it used to be a

We've known this day was coming for a long time. She has planned and made lists, packed and repacked. We have had special get togethers to say good bye and shared many hugs and special moments and yet today took me by surprise. It came so fast. We were ready but not ready at the same time. As we awoke this morning we knew that it was going to be hard but I don't think we grasped just how hard. It was a difficult good bye (and an early one!) The moment that really got me wasn't the final hug and whispered I love you and I'll see you at Christmas. It wasn't watching the van drive away. It came a few moments later when we pulled away from the camp, drove down the grid and watched at the van reached the intersection at Highway 1 and headed away from us. It was such a shock to my system to have that moment of clarity that while we were going one direction... she was going the other. Our time was up. She goes her own way now and while we will always be her parents a

One thing I have always appreciated about my little family of 5 is that we have often made family prayer time a priority. I can't say we manage to have it regularly but we embrace the time when the opportunity is there. When the girls were young, it was easy as we just incorporated it into bedtime routine and we taught them how to pray for each other, for our extended family and for the needs of the day. Those times were priceless and as the girls grew, those family prayer times became moments where they knew they were safe to share their fears and concerns. We would often have a 'family meeting' before prayer time to address plans for the week or concerns around the house. It was a time where honesty and emotion were expected and most of the time comfortable. These moments were like the lights that illuminated our family which I realize sounds a bit corny but it is true none the less. As we spent time at Jesus feet as a family, our burdens became less and our hearts becam

I don't know quite what to say besides this is really good advice whether you are a believer or not. This world can use more kindness and compassion. I am thankful that God calls us to live this way and grateful that Hid Spirit allows us the supernatural power to follow this directive. To love others and to consciously live these qualities with everyone... what a world that would be... don't you think?

FaceBook is a great thing... sort of. Right now it is so full of negative stuff... anti this, anti that, more of a who is offending who page than a place to go to see what's up in people's lives. There is so much trash to sort through to get to the good stuff. The scripture I read yesterday morning re-enforced my desire to continue to be a positive influence on FB. My posts will continue to try to those that build others up and share the joy that I see in my life. Isaiah 59:9b-10 Remove the heavy yoke of oppression STOP pointing your fingers and spreading vicious rumours Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. No I'm not feeding the hungry on FB with food but I trust I can guide them to the One who will feed their souls with the Bread of Life and be their Light in this dark world. Stay positive on FB my friends, keep in touch.  

In case you didn't catch it on face book, AnnaRose got her driver's licence today! She overcame years of negative thoughts and passed like a pro. Super proud of her even if I do have to share my car for the next few days ;) This afternoon Anna and I were chatting about her upcoming test and I could see it in her eyes that she was feeling like it just wasn't going to happen and I said something that surprised me but when I thought about it , I realized it was pretty solid advice! I said "Don't expect yourself to fail, give yourself permission to succeed." I think we all need to take that advice to heart.  So often we decide before we even try something that we aren't going to be good at it or we aren't going to like it but really we need to give ourselves permission to succeed... to grow... to change... to become more. I don't know if Anna will remember those words of advice but I will. :)

Yesterday was a day to be present in not to take time out to blog so here's a week-end wrap up... Friday night, we had a couple of the honorary big brothers in for a supper and brownies so Anna could spend some time with them and say good bye. Always thankful for my three 'adopted' boys. It was nice to have Trav and Moose over but we sure missed big brother Stew. It was a night of laughter, hugs and silly jokes. Sat has already been blogged about so go back and read it ;) Except for this one thing that's super important. As of this weekend, Anna's Encounter program is fully funded. All that she needs now is spending money to get her through the year. God's provision has been beyond amazing. The gifts and support given mean that many of you are a part of her journey and we thank you. Sunday was a full day and there were so many special moments that my writing will not do justice too but they are moments that will be kept in my heart for years to com

I've spent most of  today on the go, taking care of things with and for the family. It's been fun to help Anna get ready to go and we were blessed to have some unexpected encounters with old friends along the way. Out little farmer's market can be a great place to reconnect with folks you haven't seen in awhile especially on a beautiful day like today was! Our purpose in going was to deliver a thank you card to Marianne, she made Anna's grad necklace. Because Marianne is my best friend's mom, she holds a bit of a grandma role in my girls' lives. So after that good bye was said, we wondered the market and had visits with the mother/daughter Pippus duo, had a great visit with Anna's old teacher Laurie Ross and a quick hello with our friend Lisa. All these visits just reinforce that Anna's time at home is quickly drawing to a close. In one week we head to Manitoba to drop her off with the Encounter team. I'm pretty sure both Bobby and I are still

9-11. Amazing how those two numbers can create such strong reaction to almost the entire over 14 years old population of North America... I don't discount the reality that became that fateful day as we  were all glued to our television sets and on the phone with loved ones expressing our shock, horror, dismay and hundreds of other emotions. For some, it took a bit for the realization to sink in, it took a bit to realize that this day would change our world forever. It all seems melodramatic any yet it happened and it's true. For me the memory that stand out the most was when I flipped to the much music station to get a break from the horror playing out on my TV screen only to be told by 'Canada's boyfreind', George Stroumboulopoulos, to quit watching crap that didn't matter and turn my TV back to the news. :) George has had a special place in my heart ever since. 9-11 reawakened my mother's US patriotism and all of a sudden US politics became a thing aroun

I'm going to be honest and say I rarely end these challenges as well as I begin them... I'm not much of a finisher I suppose. Lots of things in our house are almost finished but still need that last coat of paint or need one more picture hung... I seem to have a real aversion to completing anything. But I'm not going to explore that today ;) or maybe I am... So I have a lot of favourites. It's just who I am. I love a lot of different things and my Top 5 lists usually have about 15 things on it. I enjoy loving all kinds of stuff. So I have a different favourite colour everyday though truth be told I really do gravitate to the darker shades of pinks and reds... I have 1000 favourite songs depending on my mood an I have more favourite stories than I can count. My reading today though took me to two of my very favourite passages of Scripture and allowed me to look at them in a way that I usually don't and so today I will share both cause I can :) The first comes fro

So a good friend of mine and fellow blogger, Tim Pippus, will once in awhile give himself a 30 blogs in 30 days challenge. I always enjoy those months and I've been inspired to take on the challenge for myself as I really do want to get back in the habit of writing in a journal and recording important moments. I want to add a component to my challenge though... I want to make a point of sharing something that spoke to me in my quiet time, just keeping a regular habit of quite time will be the real challenge honestly! I find myself quite thirsty for the words of my Saviour and rather than keep it to myself I want to add it to my blog. I suspect that verses will lead into stories about the days happenings or memories that want to be shared. As September is always a difficult month of readjusting to schedules and usually times of change and stress, it is often an anxiety inducing month for me. I am doing well but have noticed my sleep patterns are way off. There is much insomnia and

So as many of you know I was given the opportunity to share at my home church this past weekend. It was a growing experience to say the least. Unfortunately there was a glitch and only the last 11 minutes were recorded so the best I can do for those of you who wanted to be there or just to listen in is to post my sermon notes and share the link to the last 11 minutes. My notes probably go more in depth in some ways and miss some of what I said in others as the way I write and the way I speak don't exactly match! Regardless I think you will get a pretty good feel for what happened this Sunday past. I have added a few asides in grey :) I could fuss and bother and try to edit but really I can't... it would just get messier :) I hope you are blessed as you read/listen. Sermon 2015 Psalm 139 It is an honour to stand before you and behind this pulpit this morning. While I have been on this platform countless times in the last few decades, this is my first time in th