Yeah So This Happened
Unfortunately there was a glitch and only the last 11 minutes were recorded so the best I can do for those of you who wanted to be there or just to listen in is to post my sermon notes and share the link to the last 11 minutes.
My notes probably go more in depth in some ways and miss some of what I said in others as the way I write and the way I speak don't exactly match! Regardless I think you will get a pretty good feel for what happened this Sunday past. I have added a few asides in grey :) I could fuss and bother and try to edit but really I can't... it would just get messier :)
I hope you are blessed as you read/listen.
Sermon 2015 Psalm 139
It is an honour to stand before you and behind this pulpit
this morning. While I have been on this platform countless times in the last
few decades, this is my first time in this particular role so let me be honest
and tell you I am neither a scholar nor a great theologian, I am in the
simplest of terms… a story teller. Over
the past decade or so, God has called me to share His story and the story He
has written on my life across this province. So when I was asked to speak this
summer it was simple to say yes but much more difficult to surrender to the
message God has asked me to speak.
Now typically I speak to a crowd of 9 to 12 year old who are
at bible camp, often wearing the same clothes they have been wearing for a day
or two and they have that sweet smell that comes from mosquito repellant,
chlorine, sweat and the general avoidance of showers. They are covered in
mosquito bites and aren’t shy about shouting out answers or asking questions.
They are loud and fun but just as likely to drift off mid story as the week
wears on. I guess what I’m saying is that this Sunday is your opportunity to be
a little more childlike. My hope is as it always is that God will use me as his
instrument and that my words will be the words he has desired to speak through
me.
Thank you to Emily, for reading Psalm 139 this morning. (I wish you all could have heard Em read, so confident and you never would have known she was nervous) This
psalm has both haunted and captivated me for most of life. I have had quite the
love hate relationship with it actually and so this morning I would like to use
it as a back drop to tell a story because well telling stories is what I do
best. It is not the easiest of stories to share but I know that God has had
purpose in it all the way along the journey. I realized the other day that this
story was partially written through the wise council of many men and women of
God. I’m not name dropping exactly but I want to recognize that God has used
many pastors in my life starting way back with Rick Niessen and his wife
Shawna, Aaron Wolfe, Jeremy and Lisa Peters, Chris Smith and for the 13 months
or so conversations with Jim. I am so very grateful for these men and women and
so many others who have challenged me, walked with me and prayed with me as God
continues to refine and define who I am.
Psalm 139 starts with the acknowledgment that God has
searched David’s heart and that David is aware that God knows everything about
him. 'O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.'
At times this brought a great comfort as I read about how
God knew what was happening to me, He was there in the amazing moments and was
there when things weren’t so wonderful. I liked knowing that God was present in
my life and that He was in control, even when the bad stuff happened. And there
was comfort in knowing that God knew what was going to happen. Verse 16 'You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.'
But there were times when verses in this Psalm brought
about a tremendous sense of shame. Verse 7 'I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!' I hated that God knew about all those dark
places in my heart. I was very accepting of God’s omnipotence and omnipresence
but not so much His omniscience… I would gladly give him my service and my
physical life but I wanted to keep my heart and emotions under lock and key. That God knew my thoughts, that I could not
hide from him; this was much more difficult for me.
I didn’t understand why God
had created me the way He had. I have come to love verse 14 but I didn’t
always… (Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.)
Anyone who has been at Bible camp with me has heard this
story and before I tell it today I need to preface it with a disclaimer of
sorts. In every family, we have narratives, stories we tell to explain our
dynamic and in most families, every child has a different narrative. If you
were to hear one of my brothers’ narratives, it would sound completely
different. Even with my own 3 daughters I see it. I want to be clear that this
is my story and if by some opportunity my family hears it, know that there is
no judgment, no condemnation; it is simply my narrative… This is the story that
shaped my life.
The story- (this part is tricky because I never write notes
on it, I just share the parts of my testimony that God brings to mind.) I shared
about the night I chose perfection to be my standard and how my life became
unbalanced and out of control the more I strived to be all things to all
people. I talk about feeling inadequate and unlovable and just how messed up
the anxiety and depression got through the years. This morning I shared how the
anxiety would steal my voice and pretty well cripple me. God gave me clarity as
I was speaking about the voice of the Accuser beating me up and being louder than
the voice of the Holy Spirit. (I know I shared details from my life but while I
can speak of it, it’s much harder to write it down so feel free to ask the next
time we have a visit.)
So you see even though I had filled my life with good things
(ministry, family, friends and so on), my motivation, my purpose was wrong. My
life became driven by the belief that if I wasn’t doing something for God then
I wasn’t worthy of God’s attention or love. I was driven by the belief that my
worth was dependant on my works. I strived to be whatever or whomever a person
wanted me to be. I carried a weight on my shoulders that was crushing. I felt
like I was a fake, that I was insignificant if and when I failed. I lived under
a cloud of depression and anxiety because I could never do enough or be enough. Verses 17 and 18 just didn’t make sense to
me; that God’s thoughts about me could be precious when my thoughts were so
filled with anger and hurt, rejection and ugliness. I was so ashamed. The
depression and anxiety almost took over my life but even through those very
dark days I knew that God was there and that he was fighting for me and that
when I woke up… He would still be there. And He was. God’s grace and acceptance have
become the resting place for my soul, the truth from which I live my life and
we’ll get to that in a few minutes but there is more to this story and this
Psalm.
Psalm 139 19-22 take
a pretty dramatic turn from the rest of the psalm. God is so great and God is
so grand and wow he loves me a lot, now God let’s talk about you killing off my
enemies shall we? Umm maybe we should take a closer look?
Maybe like me your first thoughts when you hear these words
are those of judgment… we are quick to see the sin in the world, to see all the
injustice. We use these words to defend our righteous anger against human
trafficking, the attack on family and marriage we see in the press day after
day. We want to ask God to just do away with those who sin so greatly against
his name by using HIS name… we all can think of an enemy of God and our cries
for justice intensify but notice how quickly David goes from calling out the
wicked to asking God to show what is offensive in his own heart? Do we not all
have sin and those dark hidden places in our hearts? Paul knew that we did and
he says so very clearly in Galatians Chapter 5 that we need the Holy Spirit
guides our lives. (Verses 16-26)
God desires fullness in our relationship with Him… He has
searched our hearts… he knows every thought, every intention, every deed. He
knows everything and more. He wants us to enter in fully with him. He doesn’t
want us to hide. And yet from the very beginning, we have tried to hide from
God. Adam and Eve sinned and then tried to hide… over and over we see that
great men and women of God tried to hide from their sin, their mistakes and
their callings from God. We are not unique in this pattern but we are still
wrong. God has a much better plan
In Ephesians chapter 1:3-8
(I think the recording picks up about here) https://soundcloud.com/estevanalliance
God longs for us to revel in his kindness and mercy and grace
to the point that he himself became flesh and took the punishment for our sin.
His death and resurrection is all that will ever be required of us. We can
never do enough or be enough to be accepted in God’s eyes. We are chosen, we
are loved and we are safe through the blood of Christ. When I began to see the
truth in these verses 20 years ago God began to transform my heart but it was
such a long journey of searching and giving up control and allowing the holy
spirit to search my heart and to see the things that offended God… In many ways
I have only begun the journey.
We need not be afraid of submission and confession… God
already knows and he’s already called us his own. We can pray with confidence
Search my heart and know me oh God. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point
out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting
life because God has already seen the sin, the dark places, those thing we just
don’t want to let go of and He has already made us blameless and flawless through
the death of Jesus on that cross at Calvary, He has already taken the
punishment for us. By acknowledging our sin and asking God to show us where we
need to surrender we are simply opening our heart for God’s best.
This past spring after years of wrestling and fighting and
holding on too tightly I surrendered those dark places to Christ and he filled
them with light and understanding and today I am free from depression and
anxiety and fear and worry. I have found my significance in Christ alone. I have
been transformed. I am free to live, to grow, to learn in ways I never have
been before. The cry of my heart has been answered with love, acceptance and
grace. Life is not perfect, there are many unknowns and change still isn’t easy
for me but I can rest in the acceptance that God knows my heart and that He has
placed His hand of blessing on my head.
Come out of the darkness and into his marvelous light. No
fear, no shame but acceptance and love and grace, such amazing grace. I can’t
promise it will be easy because sometimes it’s just won’t be. Our circumstance
may not change but our hearts will. God’s word is true and God is faithful. He
will not leave us. He will walk with us through the dark places and show us His
love in ways we can’t even imagine. Journey with God, ask Him to show you his
heart as he shows you yours.
This is the link to EAC's podcasts, mine shouldnt be too hard to find.
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